My Profile
About Me
I’m Tavi Stars (pronounced TAH-vee STARZ). I’m a spiritually attuned, highly sensitive, and intuitive empath with a multiracial and multicultural background. I identify as queer, panromantic, and greysexual, and as an intersectional feminist.I’m deeply compassionate and caring by nature. I tend to trust with an open heart and often place others before myself, sometimes to a fault. It’s a lifelong pattern I’m learning to balance. I genuinely strive to see the best in people and approach everyone with empathy, respect, and a sincere desire to understand them.Astrologically, I was born on the Taurus-Gemini cusp, with my moon in Taurus and Leo rising, equal parts grounded, curious, and fiercely loving. I’m an INFP-A, the “Mediator,” and it fits me like a second skin. If we’re speaking in D&D alignment, I walk the path of Chaotic Good, driven by heart over convention, always seeking to do right by my soul.I’m a traditional and digital artist, a cozy gamer, and an arts and crafts addict with a soft spot for all things purple, cow-themed, kawaii, pastel goth, spoopy, space inspired, and sparkly. My aesthetic shifts fluidly and often, spanning goth, pastel goth, fairy kei, livestock chic, decora, art hoe, fairycore, cyberpunk, and more. Self expression is sacred to me, it’s one of my soul’s languages. Some days I’m a voluptuous hucow, a slender vampire, a chubby puppy, and other days a flat-chested femboi. I may present as human, elf, fae, kitty girl, puppy girl, hucow, anime girl, or something furry and otherworldly. Identity, for me, is ever evolving, magical, and free. I would say a majority of my time is spent between being a hucow, monster-girl holstaur, furry, neko, or elf.When I’m not in Second Life, I’m usually curled up with my iPad drawing in Procreate, learning or practicing in Blender and Substance Painter, reading, writing, or gaming, whether it’s Cyberpunk 2077, Disney Dreamlight Valley, or something new and story rich. I meditate often, spend time immersed in spiritual study, and find healing in quiet moments with my cat daughter, Stinker. Chronic illness and pain are parts of my daily life, and much of my time is spent resting and tending to pain management with as much grace and gentleness I can muster for myself. Through it all, I’m supported by my beloved real life partner and best friend, we’ve been together for over 17 incredible years, and my mother who lives with us.In Second Life, I’ve worn many hats and lived many creative lives. I’ve been a large RP sim owner, co-owner, lore writer, admin/moderator, and designer, an interior and exterior decorator for full sims, homes, and businesses, a model for runway, in-store, and vendor ads, a texture and building artist, a club owner, DJ, host, dancer, stripper, brothel owner and escort, teacher (focused on prim/sculpt building, texturing, and basic SL skills), a sim manager, helper, greeter, event planner, and photographer for fundraisers, sim openings, and weddings. These roles have allowed me to create, connect, and contribute to vibrant virtual communities that mean the world to me.Currently, I run a small shop, and this year I’m pouring my focus into its growth. My goal is to develop its brand with care while continuing to hone my skills in Blender and Substance Painter. I want to create content that is meaningful, beautiful, and a direct reflection of my inner vision, pieces that carry both story and soul, as well as creating kinky toys and furnature.My passions run deep: I study epistemology and metaphysical philosophy, explore meditation and spiritual practices, listening to ASMR, and I love singing along to K-pop even if I suck at it. I get completely absorbed in anime, K-Dramas, and BL shows, and I love studying the ancient cultures and belief systems of Egypt, Greece, India, and the Norse. I see magic in animals, nature, and the cosmos, and I’m always up for rich, heartfelt conversations about space, aliens, gaming, books, anime, sociology, philosophy, spirituality, and global cultures and religions. Small talk? Not so much. One sided or surface level chatter tends to leave me quiet and disengaged.Personality-wise, I am beautifully contradictory. I can be high strung and hyper, bursting with dramatic energy, wild gestures, and intense enthusiasm. But I’m also deeply introspective and grounded, shaped by my neurospicy mix of ADHD and Autism. I feel everything intensely. When the pressure of pain, anxiety, or depression builds too high, I sometimes shut down or overflow emotionally, I usually retreat so others don't have to deal with me in those moments. That’s not weakness, it’s simply how I process a world that often feels too loud, too fast, and too overwhelming.Second Life is where I reclaim the things real life makes hard. It’s my sacred space for creativity, expression, exploration, and healing. I show up here not only for myself but for those I care about, as a rock for them to lean on, a light, a safe harbor. I’m playful and curious, loving solitude as much as I cherish genuine connection.I strive to meet others with an open, compassionate, and non-judgmental heart, but my boundaries are strong and immovable. My happiness, authenticity, and growth come first. I’ve spent too many years shrinking myself to fit into other people’s expectations. That chapter is closed. I no longer change, bend, twist, or silence myself for the comfort of others.I am whole. I am enough. I stand firmly rooted in my truth.And if who I am, what I believe, or how I choose to express myself makes you uncomfortable, feel free to click the [X] and move along.
My Various Avatars & Looks
My Spiritually
I walk a sacred path woven from many threads, each one a living expression of my deepest yearnings and connections. At my core, I am a seeker, exploring the divine through ritual, energy healing, meditation, creative play, and even the vibrant world of Second Life. My practice flows from an eclectic Sanātanī tradition, rooted in Sanātana Dharma, the eternal wisdom, which offers a timeless framework for daily reflection, ritual, and inner transformation.Alongside this, I carry a deep reverence for the wisdom found in Indigenous teachings and the mythologies and spiritual systems of the Norse, Greek, and Egyptian pantheons. These sacred traditions speak to different parts of my soul, offering timeless lessons, archetypes, and energies that I honor and integrate into my practice with respect and intention.You might wonder why I bring up spirituality when talking about Second Life, but for me, there is no separation between my RL and SL selves. I am the same in both world, I'm not 'playing' a character (unless I'm at an actual RP sim). My spirituality is not something I set aside when I log in; it's a living, breathing part of who I am in every world I walk through.One of the most beautiful expressions of this in SL has been my involvement with Herb & Fable, created by the lovely soul behind Jinx. It’s become a space where I can carry aspects of my real-life spiritual path, like ritual, plant magic, and energy work, into the virtual realm with authenticity and joy. It's a true reflection of my values and a sacred container where I can continue to grow.I’ve been walking a pagan path for over 36 years. My practice includes chanting, rituals, crystals, tarot and oracle cards, charms, meditation, astral projection, and energy work. Over time, my beliefs have evolved as I’ve read, practiced, listened, and learned, and I fully expect them to continue shifting and deepening for the rest of my life. I began my Reiki training when I was just 12 years old, and now, decades later, I am finally completing my Master certification, a long-awaited milestone I’m deeply excited and grateful to reach.Altogether, my beliefs form a rich, evolving tapestry, one that is uniquely mine, woven with reverence, curiosity, and unconditional love.
Sexuality and BDSM
Been in SL since 2005 and I have explored nearly every facet of erotic roleplay, BDSM, and kinks. I've been a Mistress, Mommy Domme, Latex Domme, FinDomme, switch, slave, submissive, babygirl, Gorean kajira and bondmaid, puppy girl, ponygirl, hucow livestock, rubber bondage doll, drone, and more. I enjoy exploring various kinks and I like being a D/s Switch with a very heavy submissive leaning, falling between a very soft Mommy Domme, a babygirl, and a pet or livestock. If you only display your dominance through sex, I’m not the right submissive for you. Bedroom dominance is fun, but I need more than that; I need a deep mental connection, D/s outside of the bedroom, and a relationship that is built on more than just pixel humping.I’m AFAB (assigned female at birth), and I use she/her and sometimes they/them pronouns, but to be completely candid, I don't place a great deal of importance on gender labels; I've never adhered strictly to societal gender norms or given them much consideration. I use the term Queer to express both my gender and sexual orientation because it neatly covers everything in one simple word. While I predominantly present as female in SL, I enjoy playing with gender expression. I have the V-Tech Flat Chest Mod for my androgynous, cuntboi, and femboi looks, and some of those looks include some extra equipment between my legs.To be more specific about my sexual orientation, I'm panromantic and greysexual. I'm fully accepting of all genders or lack thereof on a romantic and mostly sexual level, however I’m more physically drawn to non-binary, androgynous, mascfemme, and masculine people. As someone on the asexual spectrum, sex is not the reason I’m in SL, nor is it something I frequently desire or consider essential in an intimate relationship. I don’t have an aversion to sex, but it’s low on my list of priorities. Any ERP that I participate in is just that, roleplay, please don’t ask if I am touching myself or anything along those lines, I’m not! I don’t need or use SL to “get off”; I’m not passing judgement, it’s just not my thing.My F-List
What I'm looking for and open to
I’m here to connect with kindred spirits, souls who resonate with authenticity, creativity, and care. I’m seeking genuine friendships and chosen family bonds rooted in mutual respect, emotional presence, and warmth. Whether that looks like quiet hangouts, deep conversations, being platform goblins while working on projects, movie nights with cuddles, photo adventures, cozy games, creative collabs, or glittery chaos, I’m all in.I’m also open to roleplay connections, whether lighthearted, lore-rich, or somewhere in between, as well as romantic bonds, but only within Second Life. Any flirty or romantic energy stays in-world, grounded in consent, emotional connection, and mutual understanding. I'm currently see myself as non-monogamous in SL, so many "serious" monogamous relationships end in pain and drama here. My real-life partner knows, supports, and blesses my journey here. That support means everything to me.I’d especially love to connect with others who, like me, are on the asexual spectrum and interested in BDSM dynamics. I’m a submissive with a VERY soft dominant side, and ideally, I’d vibe with a switch or dominant partner who enjoys mutual exploration. I don’t have the desire or capacity to be dominant most of the time, so I’m not looking for a submissive partner. What I value is shared growth, emotional intelligence, and someone who appreciates the nuanced space where ace identity and intimacy intersect.It’s a huge plus if you’re also taken in RL and have a supportive, understanding partner. I've been with single RL folks in the past, and unfortunately, it often led to pressure, boundary issues, or emotional imbalance. My RL will always come first, and I need connections that respect and honor that.I’m also deeply drawn to the idea of building a family in SL, one that could include Zooby babies, adopted kids/teens/adults, or any form of loving, chosen kinship. If you’re someone who also wants to nurture a family and create a space of belonging together, we might be a great fit.That said, I’m not interested in hookup culture or relationships based solely on physical intimacy. I crave connections that are soulful, playful, emotionally nourishing, and full of mutual care. If you’re just looking to bed me or a quick thrill, I’m not the one for you.I’m not looking for anything forced, rushed, or performative. If we connect, let it be organic. Let it be kind. Let it be real, even in a virtual world.If you lead with heart, love to play, and respect soft spaces and strong boundaries, we just might find something magical here. 💜
Family & Found Roots
One of my deepest joys in SL is the chance to build and belong to a loving chosen family. I’d love to be part of a large, close-knit family, full of laughter, tenderness, inside jokes, and cozy traditions. I’m open to finding parents, siblings, extended family, and maybe even a few adult children who feel like home.I’ve been part of the family RP scene off and on for most of my Second Life, and it always pulls at my heartstrings. I’d love to co-create those meaningful, playful, sometimes chaotic but always comforting dynamics again, with people who are here for the long haul.And someday, with the right person or people, I hope to welcome a few Zooby babies into the world, tiny bundles of love waiting to be nurtured.My Generic Adoption Questionnaire AnswersWhat type of parental makeup are you looking for?:
I’m open to any loving, caring, and emotionally available parental dynamic. Gender (or the lack thereof) doesn’t matter to me, what matters most is warmth, respect, and the desire to create a true bond. I’d love to have two parents, but I’m also open to poly family structures and would genuinely welcome additional parents into my life. Big families make my heart happy!Are you okay with same-sex parents?:
Absolutely, yes!Do you mind siblings?:
Not at all! I’d love to have siblings, older, younger, or both. I’d especially enjoy having younger siblings to help care for and spend time with. Having sibling dynamics makes the family feel even more alive and connected to me.Do you mind families that may be vampires, lycans, or participate in other types of roleplay?:
Not at all! I have the lycan and vampire HUDs and amulet for Bloodlines but I am very inactive and have no clue where my soul is. I’d happily re-engage if it's something my family is into. I'm also open to exploring other RP genres, creativity and storytelling are always welcome.Do you mind parents who are employed in Second Life?:
Not at all! I understand that people have their own projects and passions. I have a little shop in SL myself, and I’ve been considering returning to blogging. As long as there's time for connection, I fully support creative or business endeavors.The right family for you is most likely:
The right family for me is one that values genuine connection, kindness, and emotional presence, where the people behind the avatars matter. I’m looking for a family that communicates openly, supports one another through highs and lows, and believes in resolving conflict with empathy and respect.I’d love to be part of a family that enjoys sharing moments together: playing games, watching movies, going on drives, exploring the grid, laughing over silliness, or taking cozy photos. My ideal family talks through text, not voice, typed conversation is how I feel safest and most engaged.More than anything, I’m looking for a soft place to land, a home filled with heart, where I can belong just as I am.
My Favorite Things
Favorite Numbers:
1, 3, 13, 42Favorite Colors:
Black, Granite Gray, Dark Orchid, Violet, Plum, Blue Violet, Lavender BlueFavorite Foods:
Anything my partner or mom cooks, almost anything with Tajín on it, fried okra, southern-style collard greens (and most soul foods...gods I miss my grandma's cooking, but I miss her more), cheese enchiladas, nachos, dolmeh, Tahdig, and Persian chicken kebab (Jujeh Kabab). My main comfort/safe foods are herb stuffing and mac and cheese.Favorite Sweets:
Crème Brûlée, Zoolbia, Bamieh, Baklava, carrot cake, vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream frosting, Konpeitō, French Macarons, Funnel Cake, and bread puddingFavorite Drinks:
I love old fashion southern sweet tea the most, Masala Chai, Milk Tea Boba, hot or cold herbal teas, seltzer water with juice, and water with cucumber, lemon, and/or mint.Favorite Holiday:
Halloween of course! Any excuse to dress up, eat copious amounts of candy, and have fun is pretty epic!Favorite Seasons:
Spring and Fall. I really hate weather that is too hot or too cold, and I really fucking hate snow. I love rainy days, grey skies, overcast clouds, and downpours.Favorite Visual Artists:
Albrecht Dürer, Edgar Degas, Paul Robertson, Denise Wilton, David Sossella, Kyle Lambert, and Angel Ganev.Favorite Video Games:
Animal Crossing series, Assassin's Creed series, Baldur's Gate 3, Coral Island, Cyberpunk2077, Death Stranding, Dinkum, Disney Dreamlight Valley, Fable series, Infinity Nikki, Minecraft, My Time at Portia, My Time at Sandrock, Ova Magica, Palworld, Red Dead Redemption 2, Saints Row series, Sims 1 to 4, Skyrim, Starbound, Stardew Valley, Sticky Business.Favorite Movies:
Alita: Battle Angel, Alien series, Avatar series, Bladerunner, City of Bones, Deadpool, Disney movies, Divergent series, Dune Part I & II, Equilibrium, Ex Machina, Fallen, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Gattaca, Grave of the Fireflies, Guardians of the Galaxy, Harry Potter series, Home, Howl's Moving Castle, Hunger Games series, Jupiter Ascending, Kiki's Delivery Service, Marvel comic series, Midsommar, My Neighbor Totoro, Priest, Spirited Away, Stargate, Star Trek series, Star Wars series, Suicide Squad, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, The Fifth Element, The Mummy series, The Time Machine, Twilight series, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, V for Vendetta, Venom series, X-Men series.If you're a fan of sci-fi movies, you should watch Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. It's an enchanting and visually stunning space opera based on a 1960s French comic book series that heavily influenced Star Wars.Favorite TV Shows:
2Moons, 3 Body Problem, 3%, Adventure Time, All of Us Are Dead, American Horror Story, Ancient Aliens, Arcane, Arrow, Attack on Titan, Battlestar Galactica, Black Mirror, Blacklist, Bridgerton, Chobits, Cowboy Bepop, Crash Landing on You, Downton Abbey, Dune: Prophecy, Everything Sucks, Fairy Tail, Fear the Walking Dead, Fullmetal Alchemist, Game of Thrones, Gravity Falls, Hellsing, iZombie, Kingdom, Last Man on Earth, Lucifer, MLP:FIM, My Demon, Neon Genesis Evangelion, OITNB, Once Upon a Time, One Piece, Ouran High School Host Club, Outlander, Pokemon series, Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Reign, Rosario + Vampire, Sailor Moon, Shadowhunters, Sisyphus, Sky Castle, Steven Universe, Stranger Things, Supernatural, The 100, The AO, The Barrier, The Big Bang Theory, The Handmaid's Tale, The Legend of Korra, The Path, The Walking Dead, Tokyo Ghoul, V (1984 & 2009), Vikings, Wednesday.Favorite Authors:
Amy Tan, Anne McCaffrey, Anne Rice, Audre Lorde, Charlotte Brontë, Deborah Harkness, Deepak Chopra, Diana Gabaldon, Erich von Däniken, Frank Herbert, J. R. R. Tolkien, Kate Stewart, Margaret Atwood, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Nnedi Okorafor, Rebecca Yarros, Rick Riordan, Sarah J. Maas, Shantel Tessier, Suzanne Collins, Terry Brooks, Terry Goodkind, Veronica Roth, Zecharia Sitchin.Favorite Bands & Musicians:
Favs are Bold
&TEAM, 1VERSE, 2NE1, Ado, AKMU, Alanis Morissette, aoen, ATEEZ, Ashnikko, BABYMETAL, Bigbang, Blackpink, bludnymph, BM, BTS, Chanmina (ちゃんみな), CLOSE YOUR EYES, CORTIS, Dawn, DKB, Dylan Wang, DXTEEN, EJAE, ENHYPEN, Eric Nam, G-Dragon, GOT7, HyunA, Ichika Nito, ILLIT, Imagine Dragons , Iniko, Jackson Wang, Jessi, Jin san Kim, Jonghyun, KARD, King GNU, Marcin, NCT, Higedan (Official Hige Dandism), OTYKEN, Paul Kim, PERSES, Polyphia, Ren, RIIZE, SEVENTEEN, SEVENTOEIGHT, SHINee, Sinéad O'Connor, Snow Man, Stray Kids, T.O.P, The Rose, Tim Henson, twenty one pilots, TXT, Winner, WONHO, Woosung, XG, XLOV, YENA, YEONJUN, YOASOBI, YUNGBLUD.
Music I Love
Music speaks to my heart and soul, get to know me more through listening to music I love.🎶 Tavi's Mixed Playlist 🎧
Currently has 300+ videos.Some of my Favorites
Stray Kids "신선놀음 (DIVINE)"
Stray Kids "Do It (Overdrive Version)"
XLOV 엑스러브 'Rizz'
&TEAM 'Lunatic'
CORTIS (코르티스) 'FaSHioN'
ENHYPEN (엔하이픈) 'Outside'
"Your Idol" | Official Song Clip | KPop Demon Hunters
CLOSE YOUR EYES 'X' MV
Marcin, Tim Henson - Classical Dragon
Able heart - Magnet (639Hz)
Ren - Hi Ren
Polyphia - Playing God
Ashnikko - Panic Attacks In Paradise
Heilung | Anoana
OTYKEN - PHENOMENON
Tom's Diner (Cover) - AnnenMayKantereit x Giant Rooks
bludnymph - FEAST
Ashnikko - Slumber Party
JONGHYUN 종현 빛이 나 (Shinin’)
Agust D '대취타'
김우성(WOOSUNG) - "FACE"
Hanumankind – Big Dawgs
BTS (방탄소년단) 'Save ME'
bludnymph - The Things I Do For Love
Iniko - Jericho
Ichika Nito - Late Night Walk
Disabled & Neurodivergent
Chronically Ill
I'm a chronic illness warrior living with severe fibromyalgia, along with AuDHD, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and more. These conditions affect me in complex and interconnected ways, so please be patient if I’m slow to respond to messages or if I have my autoresponder on to gently let others know I’m not up to socializing at the moment.Fibromyalgia is highly unpredictable and can be triggered or worsened by a wide range of factors: my mental health, sleep disruptions, certain foods, activity levels, stress, medical appointments, lab work, travel, changes in barometric pressure, shifts in the weather, and seasonal transitions. Because of this, there are times when chatting or roleplaying is simply too draining. Sometimes I log in just to quietly shop, style outfits, or tinker with my avatar as a gentle distraction from the pain. Creativity, gaming, writing, and art are all essential lifelines for me, ways to process, express, and cope with everything fibromyalgia and chronic illness throw my way. These outlets help me stay grounded and connected to joy, even on the hardest days.As a disabled and neurodivergent person, I naturally reflect the energy I receive. I experience the world on a heightened level, emotionally, mentally, and physically, which makes me especially attuned to the subtleties of human behavior. I don’t just hear/read words or notice actions; I feel the undertones, the shifts, the energy behind them. If someone is warm and open with me one day but cold and closed off the next, I notice, instantly. I can feel those changes like a ripple in the air. I don’t do well with Jekyll-and-Hyde personalities; inconsistency in how I’m treated affects me deeply. I absolutely understand that everyone has bad days or moments where they need space, I'm compassionate and patient with that, I have my own bad days and need quiet “me” time. But when emotional whiplash becomes a pattern, when hot-and-cold behavior turns habitual, it chips away at my sense of safety in that connection. My nervous system doesn’t just “brush it off.” I internalize, I process, I overthink. So I mirror.When someone approaches me with gentleness, honesty, and genuine presence, I meet them with loyalty, love, and warmth. But if I’m met with disinterest, apathy, coldness, or cruelty, I protect myself, not by lashing out, but by stepping back, going quiet, or mirroring that energy as a shield rather than a sword. I don’t believe in performing connection where it isn’t truly welcomed. And if someone treats me differently from day to day, warm one moment, distant the next, I eventually default to whatever costs me the least energy. More often than not, that means quietly pulling back and creating distance to preserve my peace. This isn’t about being reactive or dramatic. It’s about being sensitive in a world that often overlooks sensitivity. It’s about needing consistency, clarity, and emotional truth to feel safe and connected. My heart is open, but it listens closely to the energy that enters its space.I truly appreciate the care and good intentions behind it, but it drives me nuts when people send me articles about fibromyalgia or suggest the latest “cure,” therapy, supplement, or medication. I’ve been living with this condition and medically disabled for over 14 years; I’ve done the research, I’ve tried countless treatments, and I’ve learned through trial, error, and experience what actually works for me and what doesn’t.If you're genuinely curious, I’m always open to respectful questions and conversations, but please don’t try to "fix" or doctor me. I already have a wonderful physician who understands my complex needs, and I’ve worked hard to build a care plan that supports my unique body and challenges. More importantly, I know my body intimately, and I trust my own lived experience. Unsolicited advice, even when well-meaning, can feel dismissive or exhausting.
Neurospicy & Introvert
I struggle with object and people permanence due to my Autism and ADHD. When someone or something isn’t directly in front of me, they often slip from my mind, not because I don’t care, and definitely not because I don’t love them, but simply because my brain focuses intensely on what’s immediately present or actively part of my daily environment. That’s just how my mind works. It doesn’t reflect the depth of my affection or the importance I place on my relationships.I also don’t experience relationship degradation. My feelings don’t fade over time or distance. If I haven’t talked to someone in months, or even years, and they reach out, it’s as if no time has passed. My connection to them, rooted in shared moments and genuine emotion, stays steady and whole. I cherish people through the lens of those good memories and the bond we built, not how frequently we speak. For me, true friendship isn’t about constant maintenance, it’s about meaningful connection and mutual understanding that transcends time and space.My difficulties with object permanence are often compounded by my introverted nature, memory challenges (both short and long term), chronic pain, and the realities of living with a disability. These factors can cause me to retreat into my inner world, especially during fibro flare-ups or when my mental health takes a hit. In those times, I use the creative aspects of Second Life to cope. I might be decorating, customizing my avatar, creating, or just shopping to distract myself from the relentless full-body pain and other symptoms I deal with daily.If we’re very close, I’m more than happy to have quiet company during those moments, but I may seem zoned out, quiet, or distracted for long stretches. It’s not that I’m ignoring you; I’m just managing pain and sensory overwhelm the best I can. Socializing, especially roleplay or small talk, can be tough when my energy is low, and once my social battery is drained, I tend to isolate more. I’m not the best at initiating IMs, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply. Quite the opposite, my loved ones mean the world to me.Please don’t hesitate to message me first. I promise, you’re never a bother. If I’m not up for chatting, I’ll gently let you know or have an auto-response on that explains where I’m at. Just knowing someone thought of me means so much.
Becoming Disabled
If you’re interested in learning more about my journey with chronic illness, you’re welcome to read ahead. Please be mindful, though, this includes sensitive topics that may be difficult or triggering for some.⚠️ Content Warning: Mentions of Severe Depression & Medical Trauma ⚠️My life took a drastic turn from order to chaos when I received a diagnosis of severe and debilitating fibromyalgia. This condition compounded my existing health issues and introduced additional mental health challenges. Before fibromyalgia, I was managing hypothyroidism, panhypopituitarism, chronic carpal and cubital tunnel syndrome, autism, and ADHD. After the onset of fibromyalgia, I faced new struggles, including severe anxiety, depression, and insomnia, as well as other health-related challenges. According to my neurosurgeon, the removal of my pituitary tumor, a macroadenoma that compressed my ocular nerves and squished my anterior pituitary lobe out of existence, might have triggered the onset of fibromyalgia. However, it could also be hereditary as my paternal grandmother had hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia as well. My tumor removal surgery, usually a 45-minute procedure, extended to 3 and a half hours due to its complexity. Before the surgery, I was warned that my eyesight could be significantly diminished or even lost entirely due to how much the tumor impacted my ocular nerves. Fortunately, I had no negative impacts on my vision.Becoming disabled was a dark, disorienting journey that unraveled so much of who I believed I was, who I imagined I would become, and the life I had once hoped to live. It shook the foundation of my identity, dreams, and direction, leaving me to navigate an entirely unfamiliar path I never asked for, but had no choice but to walk. I had to say goodbye to a 14-year career as a Project Manager, a role I not only loved, but one where I had invested so much of my identity and self-worth, perhaps even all of it. Letting go of that chapter felt like losing a part of myself entirely. Activities that were once effortless became insurmountable, saying "No" to friends and family became the norm and a necessity, and unexpected mental health challenges surfaced. The journey led me through two years of profound depression and anxiety, during which I isolated myself from the world, and battled with finding a reason to continue fighting. Even with a robust support system, including my partner, parents, our cat, and friends, I struggled to find purpose and a reason to stay alive. Recognizing that I was grieving the loss of my former self and career marked a turning point, enabling me to embark on a healing journey.Chronic pain and disability reshaped my life profoundly, presenting challenges and opportunities for growth. For years, I tied my self-worth to my career and my success in it, and losing that anchor left me feeling worthless and burdensome. However, this experience taught me that I define my own self-worth, and I'm blessed with loved ones who reinforce that I am not a burden. Despite the hardships, becoming disabled brought valuable lessons, appreciation for the small joys, the importance of slowing down, celebrating even the smallest victories, and embracing life and love passionately. I discovered my own set of "superpowers," like misplacing things in my room, tripping over invisible obstacles, and somehow hurting every muscle when I do trip. Honestly, my true superpowers emerged as renewed and deepened compassion and love for both humans and animals, the ability to find light in the darkest places, and spreading joy despite my own struggles and 24/7 head-to-toe debilitating pain.I've been disabled for over 14 years, and through the ups and downs of my journey, I've learned the value of compassion and connection. If my experiences can inspire or help others, then it's all worth it. Whether you're looking for advice, someone to share your thoughts with, or just a friendly chat, I'm here for you. Don't hesitate to message me in Second Life (Theresa Ravenheart). I'm a compassionate and judgment-free listener, always ready to lend an ear.
A Roller Coaster Named Fibromyalgia
I wrote this back in 2017 for my Creative Writing class while taking online college courses, an adventure in itself! The assignment was to craft a personal, non-fiction yet creative essay about a life experience. I poured my heart into it and was thrilled to receive a 98 out of 100. This piece holds a special place in my heart, and I hope to expand on it someday. Who knows? It might even become the preface to my first book about living with disability and Fibromyalgia.⚠️ Trigger Warnings: Disablity, Medial Trauma, Near Death in Childhood, Birth, Surgeries, Severe Depression, Anxiety, Mental Health ChallengesWords: 1,770These puke brown, almost but not quite shag carpet covered stairs are my enemy; every journey up or down them is a perilous battle where I risk life and limb. The stairs won this one. My lanky, five foot ten body meets the stairs and top landing in a hard, ungraceful crash. My right knee slams into the edge of the top stair as my hands, elbows, and face kiss the carpet and the hard wood it covers, as I fall up the stairs, again. Lying on the second floor landing, I start to laugh through my tears. “God fucking damnit! Not again…” I curse as a myriad of pains shoots through my body. Most people would be sore but go on with their day, not me; it’s off to bed for me. I’ll likely be bedridden for two or three days, have to double my morning and night pain pill dosages, and I'll be covered in a lovely assortment of bruises for weeks. This is all thanks to Fibromyalgia.I’ve never been someone who can take good health for granted; my health challenges began the moment I was born. I was clinically dead when I was delivered via C-section. I’m told I was a terrifying shade of blue, so terrifying that there are no hospital birth photos. Five months later my parents found me blue, not breathing, and dead in my crib. My father began CPR on my lifeless body as they rushed to the hospital. Just two blocks from the hospital, the car stalled in the slushy, freezing snow, so my father ran the rest of the way while still trying to breathe life into me. I survived Sudden Infant Death Syndrome thanks to my parents’ hope that they could save me and the team of doctors and nurses that resuscitated me. The doctors never figured out how I survived, even after a liver biopsy and two years of medical study at the Children’s Hospital every Saturday. Surviving death twice was just the start of my relationship with being ill, though so far, I think I’m in the lead.Being sick was something I got very good at in my childhood. Every school year I used up the maximum allowed sick days; some years, I went well over. I had severe asthma and allergies, caught every cold, flu, and virus that went around, and was so clumsy that I probably should have been put in a bubble for my own protection. Reflecting on my childhood sickness, I remember two things clearly: the enjoyable sick days at home, where I lay on a lounger in front of the television and was spoiled by my parents, and the terrifying days in the hospital where I fought to breathe. I give my parents a lot of credit for making sure I didn’t feel like a 'sick kid'. They taught me to approach each day with a positive outlook. I still went camping, fishing, hiking, horseback riding, white water rafting, and I attended YMCA summer camp every year from the 3rd grade until I graduated high school. We just had to prepare more and take extra precautions. The theme of being ill has always been a part of my life. My asthma and allergies improved as I reached adulthood, but other things took their place.My neurosurgeon thinks my Fibromyalgia might have been triggered by a series of surgeries I had from 2007 to 2009. During that time, I had five surgeries. The first was a carpal tunnel release in my left hand, which was exciting because I got to be awake for it and I got a great pair of pink fuzzy socks with non-slip pads out of the deal. I vividly remember lying on the operating table. The air in the room was so cold it gave me goosebumps; I was covered with heavy, itchy blankets, and a metallic clean smell filled the space. There was a metal topped table with tools laid out, making it look more like a torture dungeon than an operating room. As a nurse put a painful tourniquet on my left arm, I asked excitedly, “Doctor, since I’m awake, can I watch what you’re doing?” He gave me a deadpan look as he stuck a giant needle into my palm to inject local anesthesia, roughly massaging the fluid under my skin. “No,” he said flatly, pulling a drape in front of him. When he did the same surgery on my right hand, I asked again, but got the same answer.My hand surgeon may not have the best bedside manner, but he was the one who found my macroadenoma pituitary tumor. Learning I had a tumor pressing on my optic nerves, and that it was a threat to my vision, was terrifying. "This is it. This is going to fucking kill me. If it doesn’t, I’ll wake up blind. I’m only 34, and I’m going to die. I don’t want to die. I’m not ready." I never said I wasn’t dramatic...I did four years in high school drama club, I have a diploma in overreacting. On April 8, 2008, a benign tumor was removed through my nose in a three and a half-hour surgery. The surgery was supposed to be a simple, 45 minute routine procedure. But, like most things in my life, it turned out to be anything but. Waking up from that surgery was the worst pain I’d ever felt: both nostrils packed, my skull felt like it would crack open, my lips cracked and dry like the Sahara desert, and even opening my eyes caused stabbing pain. Despite the pain, the experience at Saint Joseph’s Hospital was wonderful and taught me a lot about myself. My ICU nurse clearly had a 'oh shit' moment with my leg compression machine the day of surgery, and I was too drugged to notice. He put my legs in it but never turned it on, which meant three glorious days of blood thinner shots straight to the gut. Honestly, I get it though, who hasn't tried to off a patient or two before coffee? We all make mistakes, right? Some are just...pointier than others. After four days in ICU, I decided to approach future health challenges with a positive attitude. If something as scary as a tumor could turn out okay, I could handle anything else. Right?My last two surgeries were carpal tunnel release again on both hands, along with cubital tunnel release, which left cool Frankenstein-like scars on my elbows. I now have five pairs of nice fuzzy socks! By February 2010, I had recovered from all the surgeries and things at work returned to normal, no more short term leave or working half days as I recovered from my many surgeries. I was filled with excitement. I had dedicated fourteen years to the same company, with a long term goal of advancing into a leadership role and ultimately retiring there. But I knew something was wrong when I started falling asleep at my desk and running off to the restroom crying whenever I was asked a question. I loved being an IT Project Manager; it defined me professionally and personally. I always said “yes” to challenging projects or difficult clients; I thrived on tight deadlines and mounting stress, but not anymore.By May 2010, I could no longer ignore my symptoms, my struggles to wake up and get out of the bed, the all consuming exhaustion, head to toe aches that moved and changed all day long, the brain 'fog' that made thinking feel impossible, and the emotional breakdowns when facing stress or challenges. I was diagnosed with severe Fibromyalgia after blood tests, an X-ray, and a thorough exam of being poked, prodded, moved, and questioned. I didn’t know it then, but this was the start of a physical, mental, and emotional roller coaster. I went on short term leave to keep my job while my doctor tried various medications, diets, and supplements to control my symptoms. The side effects were worse than the Fibromyalgia. I experienced a zombie like state, changes in appetite, dulled senses, blurred vision, slurred speech, crippling depression, mood swings, violent vomiting, hot and cold flashes, sleeplessness, and if left to my own devices, I could sleep up to 20 hours a day. I wasn’t living, only existing, but I hoped one of the medications would let me return to work and live a somewhat normal life.We thought Lyrica was the solution; after a month on it, I returned to work part time. I still had moments where I had to hide in the women’s restroom because of overwhelming questions or take mini naps at my desk, but at least I was working. It only lasted a month before I could no longer see well enough to avoid obstacles while driving, speak clearly, or sit for four hours. The side effects and risks became to much and I had to stop taking it and at that time, I used all of my Short Term Leave, so I either had to return to work full time or go on LTD. I couldn't return to work no matter how desperately I wanted to, I loved my job, my team, and I saw my future there. Going on long term disability shattered me; I lost hope of returning to my career, or any career, and I felt worthless. Those days blur together in a haze of pain, self loathing, a medicated zombie state, and a depression I thought I’d never escape. My depression felt like a smothering blanket, enveloping me in darkness. I don’t know how my partner tolerated me then; I was reduced to a helpless, sad child.It’s been six long years since my journey with Fibromyalgia and disability began. Chronic pain affects every part of your life; you can’t escape it, and nothing prepares you for it. Sitting here in my adjustable medical bed (a gift from my father) with a Ziploc bag of medications on my lap, I still see my depression blanket folded at the foot of the bed. We stare at each other often, and I wonder when it’ll creep over and smother me again. It might be tomorrow or a week from now, but I’ll be ready. I’ve learned my number one weapon against it is hope. I hope that each day will be a bit better, that I’ll accomplish more, finish college assignments, or feel up to working on some art. I hope through the pain and depression. I hold on to memories of good days, knowing I’ll have many more of them.